“Red, White, and Blood” #

The only pulse I felt was checking to see if mine had flatlined from sheer boredom.

“Red, White, and Blood” is the title of a movie review posted on the Daily Whisper, which was accessed through the webbrowser. It seems to be a parody of real world US politics, written by Dr. Lee MD, who criticizes the movie released by Mindstream.

The article also mentions DreamReel, which is likely to be the in-universe equivalent of TikTok.

About #

This article was obtained once the web browser got unlocked on December 15th 2024.

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red white blood article

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Editor's note

This article is occasionally missing ‘ff’, ‘fl’, ‘ffi’, ‘ffl’ or ‘fi’. The transcript below has these indicated in italics.

“Red, White, and Blood” #

Movie Review by Lee M.D.

Rating: 1/5 stars #

Jesus wept. They really don’t make movies like they used to. But even by today’s shoddy standards, Red, White, and Blood takes us to new lows. This so-called political thriller is more like watching a high-stakes pub brawl between two half-baked caricatures. Set in the Disunited Territories of Colombia (DTC), this flick stretches even the most slack-jawed viewer’s patience by asking us to believe that two of the most hopeless candidates alive could actually run for high office.

The setup? Two walking wankers competing for the top spot in the DTC. On one side, we’ve got Ralph Beacon, a doddering relic who’s two winks away from a nap and thinks a press conference is prime nap time. His tagline, Time to wake up couldn’t be more on the nose. His advisors are more worried he’ll have a stroke mid-sentence than anything policy-related. Get to the biddy home, ya codger.

Then there’s Brock Thane, an ex-reality star and dodgy billionaire who’s as subtle as a brick through a window. This lad’s criminal record’s longer than his speeches, yet he somehow manages to rally the common folk from the comfort of his private island. His slogans Make the DTC Great Again and Truth is Optional sound like the deranged mutterings of a pub philosopher, and the film doesn’t even have the decency to play them for laughs. Nope, they’re as serious as a heart attack.

The plot’s as clunky as a 16-year-old’s angsty DreamReel, lurching from campaign rallies to dodgy debates that unravel like pub scraps. At one point, Thane dodges corruption charges by challenging Beacon to a gladiator-style showdown because apparently, that’s the logical next step in politics. Meanwhile, Beacon’s team seems more focused on mopping drool off his chin than on actual policies. The film’s one redeeming quality is its relentless self-parody, though that’s likely unintentional.

And let’s talk about the portrayal of us, the DTC’s citizens. We’re subjected to scenes of crowds cheering as Beacon wanders off mid-speech, and mobs rallying around Thane after he claims his arrest was a media hoax cooked up by leftist lizard people. The film practically screams, These are the leaders you deserve! It’s cynical to the core, offering no hope and even less wisdom.

Midstream markets this wreck as a pulse-pounding journey into political intrigue. Right. The only pulse I felt was checking to see if mine had flatlined from sheer boredom. Visually, it’s about as stimulating as a screensaver, and the soundtrack? Think a 5th-gen E-J cobbling together a dramatic score out of 90s political ads and bagpipe solos.

[Three hyperlinks to other articles on the website:]

The Dark Rise of Lupamine: From Military Tranquilizer to Killer Street Drug

Faith on the Edge: DTC’s Death Row Convict Prepares for a Public Redemption

Clone Chaos: Celebs’ Synth Swap Scandals Go Public!

Transcription by Alec

“Red, White, and Blood” #

About #

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Transcription #

“Red, White, and Blood” #

Rating: 1/5 stars #

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